Thank you for choosing WriteAhead as your tutoring service. We’re glad you did!  It was a pleasure to “meet” you and work with you on your persuasive essay revision plan. As a wrap-up of our session, I’ve noted important aspects of writing that we discussed. I hope these notes and the brief revision plan will help you as you move forward with your writing project. 

It’s important to identify aspects of your writing that are well-written and contribute to the strength of your work. That way, you can continue to build your skills for future writing projects. For instance, one thing you did a great job on is staying on topic.  You also did a good job of organizing the key ideas in your discussion.  Body paragraphs move in a logical progression.  Emulate those traits in your future work!

Focus and Purpose

You’re on track in this area of your writing.  Be sure to include information and analysis of the impact of video games on society.  That was part of the writing prompt’s focus, so you need to address it more directly and thoroughly in your paper.

Content and Elaboration

In this area of your paper, we discussed the need to refine your thesis statement to include all key points you make in the body paragraphs, perhaps going so far as to add in a statement about violence (which you cover in body paragraph #3.  You also will need to include more sources of evidence to support your claims. 

Toning down some of your claims to be less absolute so that they are less broad and more specifically targeted to the key points you make will prevent you from making a claim you can’t support with evidence. Absolute statements leave no room for deviation or exceptions; they apply to all instances or people, and they are quite difficult to defend.  Below is the example we discussed in our session:

You originally wrote, “Playing for so long in one week and in one lifetime causes gamers to be isolated and become addicted to the video games.”

Using a modal (a word that moderates an absolute and leaves room for alternatives), you could more accurately write:  “Playing for so long in one week and in one lifetime may cause gamers to be isolated and become addicted to the video games.”

Organization

The overall structure of the paper is effective. You do a good job of including an introduction and conclusion, body paragraphs, and transition words and phrases between body paragraphs. Each paragraph includes a citation and a counterargument, and an appropriate topic and concluding sentence.

Language Use, Voice, and Style

In general, you do a great job of writing at the level your audience would expect—that is, in using an academic voice.  Defining key terms for your audience will clarify some of the subtle differences in gaming populations and types of games because you rely on these differences in the refutations of counterarguments (which you present quite well, by the way!).

Grammar and Conventions

One area to improve on in grammar and conventions is the use of commas.  First, make sure to use commas to set apart phrases that interrupt a sentence with extra information.  For example: “Gaming takes very little physical activity, and in many cases gamers like to eat while playing.”  Note the following example: “Running is an easy form of exercise and, as many would agree, is a lot of fun.”  I set apart “as many would agree” with commas on either side of the phrase since it interrupts the sentence with extra information.  Doing so indicates the natural pauses that occur at those places in the sentence and makes the sentence easy to read and follow.

We agreed that in your first round of revision, you would focus on the following, most important, revision strategies:

• Consider adding details about the effects on “individuals and society” in your thesis statement, as well as more commentary on this aspect of the subject in your body paragraphs. For example, an additional body paragraph might answer the following questions: What might be the societal effects of so many people being isolated and depressed? What about so many people being unhealthy?
• Strengthen body paragraphs with quotes and data. For each point you make, you should have at least one quote or specific point from the research, and data too, if possible. For example, perhaps the source said, “The 2010 survey used 5 hours a day of gaming as a baseline for “video game addiction,” and 25% of gamers reported they played at least that much.” This type of specific information will support more general assertions.
• Revise the introduction paragraph to give your reader more targeted information about video gaming. This would be a good place to give definitions of some of the terms you use in the body paragraphs, such as “gamers.”  Other definitions could be useful in the introduction, as well, like “video game addiction,” “hardcore gamer,” “professional gamer,” and “pro-social game.”  In the same vein in other places throughout the paper, clarify vague language or elaborate upon vague concepts which could be interpreted in a wide variety of ways. For this argument, what constitutes “a healthy social life?” What are the “medical states” and “medical tests” you refer to?

Once you’ve revised your work, be sure to proofread it for errors in grammar, spelling, and mechanics. Be sure to run a plagiarism check on your work before you submit it. For all of that and more, I highly recommend CorrectEnglish®, our continuous writing mastery software, available at www.CorrectEnglish.com.

If you need additional help or want a second set of eyes on your revised work before you submit it, just select my name when you schedule a new session at www.WriteAhead.com.  I’m here to help you on your journey to better writing!

Good luck with your assignment!

Your WriteAhead Tutor

Dear Student,

I’ve completed my review of your persuasive essay.  Below is my assessment of the following five aspects of your writing: focus/purpose, content and elaboration, organization, language use/voice/style, and grammar and conventions.

It’s important to identify aspects of your writing that are well-written and contribute to the strength of your work so that you can build on those strengths.  For instance, one thing you did a great job on is staying on topic.  You also did a good job of organizing the key ideas in your discussion.  Body paragraphs move in a logical progression.  Emulate those traits in your future work!

Focus and Purpose

Since the purpose of the assignment is to report the research findings about the impact of video games on “individuals and society,” make sure to include more specific statistics and data to objectively describe the situation.  For example, according to your research, how prevalent are conditions such as depression, addiction, and obesity in people who play video games?  How do these effects on the individual also impact society?  Identifying specific percentages, for instance, can more concretely illustrate the extent of the problem for your audience.

You address your audience at their level of understanding and stay focused on the subject.  Great job on those aspects of your work!

Content and Elaboration

While your content is overall well-developed, there are several portions of the prompt that you need to address here. You do a great job of discussing how video games affect the individual, but you do not spend much time discussing how they affect society. You start to touch on this point in places, such as where you discuss violence in video games, but going into more detail on the direct connections between the violence in video games and data on the increase in violent behavior would strengthen your claim.

Make sure that your introduction prepares readers appropriately for the content of your essay.  You reference that “some people fight against the advancement and manufacturing of these technologies” in your introduction, but you do not expand on this idea later in the body of your essay.  The focus of the body of your essay is on the idea that playing video games can have negative consequences more than the idea that people do not want them to be made.  Use your introduction to prepare readers for more of what they can expect to read about in the body of the essay itself.

Your content development needs some improvement to strengthen your argument. This can be done by researching and citing scholarly works. You have cited a couple of sentences throughout your essay, but there are some instances where you do not cite statistical data presented (e.g. paragraphs 2 and 3) and some where you only state personal opinions and don’t present evidence to back up your claims (e.g. paragraph 4). Using evidence-based research is key to strengthening your claims and citing the sources you use is vital not only to validating your argument, but also to avoiding plagiarism.  See my comments in your paper for more guidance on areas needing additional supporting evidence.

Organization

The overall structure of the paper is effective. You do a good job of including an introduction and conclusion, body paragraphs, and transition words and phrases between body paragraphs. Each paragraph includes a citation and a counterargument, and an appropriate topic and concluding sentence.

As I noted in your paper’s comments, your last body paragraph contains a new claim that you do not mention in your thesis statement. Make sure your thesis statement includes all claims that you plan to discuss so your reader knows what to expect.  Order those claims in the most logical flow and present them in the same order as you do in the thesis statement.

Language Use, Voice, and Style

Your sentences vary in structure and show a strong command of language. The vocabulary you use helps to establish yourself as knowledgeable on the subject and confident on your stance on it. The formal tone and word choice also show thoughtful consideration of your academic audience.

There are a few instances in which your claims are overstated or overly broad, which results in an “absolute” statement.  Absolute statements leave no room for deviation or exceptions; they apply to all instances or people, and they are quite difficult to defend. 

Example:

You wrote, “Playing for so long in one week and in one lifetime causes gamers to be isolated and become addicted to the video games.”

Using a modal (a word that moderates an absolute and leaves room for alternatives), you could more accurately write:  “Playing for so long in one week and in one lifetime may cause gamers to be isolated and become addicted to the video games.”

Grammar and Conventions

There were very few spelling and grammatical errors in this essay, and nothing interfered with the communication of the message.  As noted in the paper’s comments, there are some instances of passive voice sentences.  In the comments, I provided examples and a resource to help you with converting passive voice into active voice.

One area to improve on in grammar and conventions is the use of commas.  First, make sure to use commas to set apart phrases that interrupt a sentence with extra information.  For example: “Gaming takes very little physical activity, and in many cases gamers like to eat while playing.”  Note the following example: “Running is an easy form of exercise and, as many would agree, is a lot of fun.”  I set apart “as many would agree” with commas on either side of the phrase since it interrupts the sentence with extra information.  Doing so indicates the natural pauses that occur at those places in the sentence and makes the sentence easy to read and follow.

In addition to the above feedback, I also have commented on specific aspects of your paper within the paper itself.  Be sure to check the comments for my guidance.

As you revise your work, I recommend you focus first on the following, most important, revision strategies:

• Consider adding details about the effects on “individuals and society” in your thesis statement, as well as more commentary on this aspect of the subject in your body paragraphs. For example, an additional body paragraph might answer the following questions: What might be the societal effects of so many people being isolated and depressed? What about so many people being unhealthy?
• Strengthen body paragraphs with quotes and data. For each point you make, you should have at least one quote or specific point from the research, and data too, if possible. For example, perhaps the source said, “The 2010 survey used 5 hours a day of gaming as a baseline for “video game addiction,” and 25% of gamers reported they played at least that much.” This type of specific information will support more general assertions.
• Revise the introduction paragraph to give your reader more targeted information about video gaming. This would be a good place to give definitions of some of the terms you use in the body paragraphs, such as “gamers.”  Other definitions could be useful in the introduction, as well, like “video game addiction,” “hardcore gamer,” “professional gamer,” and “pro-social game.”  In the same vein in other places throughout the paper, clarify vague language or elaborate upon vague concepts which could be interpreted in a wide variety of ways. For this argument, what constitutes “a healthy social life?” What are the “medical states” and “medical tests” you refer to?

Once you’ve revised your work, be sure to proofread it for errors in grammar, spelling, and mechanics.  It is never a bad idea to run a plagiarism check on your work before you submit it.  If you’re looking for software that will do all that and more, I highly recommend CorrectEnglish®, our continuous writing mastery software.  You can check it out at www.CorrectEnglish.com.

As a final reminder, if my feedback is confusing or unclear, please email me for clarification.  If you need additional help or want a second set of eyes on your revised work before you submit it, just select my name when you purchase another review or schedule a live tutoring session at www.WriteAhead.com.  I’m here to help you on your journey to better writing!

Good luck with your assignment!

Your WriteAhead Tutor